Smallness

Master was helping me sort out my some stuff on Friday and he was speaking very firmly to me over the phone. It was all about vanila things, we were discussing a friend's wedding and whether or not we were attending, and if we were, how were we going to get there. We were also discussing the dates I have to move, and how I was going to get all my stuff out of the room. I haven't really been dealing with these things because we hadn't really talk about it before and its only just starting to get urgent. The wedding is at the end of August and I have to move out in early September, so its still a bit away, but we do need to start thinking about it now.

It was Master's lunch-time call, and he was speaking to me in a very firm and assertive way. I knew he wasn't angry at me, but I did feel like he was semi-reprimanding me just due to his tone. It did feel good that he was taking charge and helping sort through stuff that I needed to deal with, but he was using a tone I'm not very used to and it shook me up a little.

It feels like an adjustment most couples go through, part of learning to be together and relying on each other. It also felt like a deeper adjustment, one that hit a conflict between my submissive self and my normal self. Accepting Master's help felt normal. Not objecting, or talking back, or feeling offended at his tone felt submissive.

His tone, and my accepting all of it, made me feel really small. Needing to ask for his help made me feel really helpless. All of my fierce independence has melted away. My ability to look after myself, one I've always been proud off, has been handed over to Master.

I was so shaken on Friday, I left work early and just sat in a park and cried. I'm not complaining or saying its a bad thing. I really do think this is a good thing and I'm welcoming Master's assertiveness with open arms. It made me feel happy and warm deep inside, but it also shook me up and feel small and helpless and a little frighten. If accepting this little bit of assertiveness from master made me feel this small and this helpless...... how much more adjustment is there to make between 'normal self' and 'submissive self'???