Backseat

The end of the spring term (with its 14 assignments all due in 3 weeks) means everything in my life has taken a back seat to uni work. Visits have been sparce since Christmas anyway, and now everything else is getting sparcer too, including what little D/s we dabbled in.

The last visit was from me to Master's place, which meant little to no D/s. I'm still anticipating my first punishment, which has now been increased to two. But it all feels like its faded into the background now. I still think about D/s - mostly in bed just before I fall asleep, sometimes when I'm daydreaming in uni, but it feels out of reach - far away - background - like a stranger looking through a window.

Strangely enough, our fights seem to have decreased. I seem to have adjusted to the fact that all sorts of things are going to get in the way of how I want my life to be. I've stopped getting moody when I don't get enough attention or domination from Herb. The impossibleness of this degree has got most of my attention now, and I'm very very VERY aware that I HAVE to get through this, or I may well have to give up everything I want, everything I dream off. The only way out is to PASS. The shortest route to Herb's side is to PASS. The shortest route to a job, a home, a family - is to PASS. The shortest route to more D/s is to PASS. EVERYTHING hinges of passing these modules.

That's not to say I'm calmer. My emotions are all over the place. I can burst into tears in a snap. Doesn't matter what I think off. So many things can set me off. My very strong 'missing' for Herb. My lack of hope for passing this course and hence my lack of hope for a happy life. Thinking about how much I have to do to pass and how little time I have. I cried through an entire lecture last week, compulsively drawing circles on my notepad - just thinking about how much I don't understand about what the lecturer was saying, and how much reading I have to do.

Meditation helps, if I do it often enough. But the emotions come back eventually. Concentrating on work helps, the more work I get done, the better I feel about myself. But I do spend quite a bit of time procrastinating still, because I hate this so much.

6 more weeks and it'll all be over. For better or for worse, the exams will be over in 6 weeks. If I get through, it will make me very very very very happy. I have a fabulous summer project arranged and I'm really looking forward to it. If I fail, that means no summer project, no graduation, packing to go home, flying 8000 miles away from Herb, AGAIN. I don't know if I will handle that. I don't how I lived through that a year ago. I don't think I can do it again.