Somehow, somewhere along this journey, I seem to have developed self-esteem issues. Master and I were looking at old pictures last night, and he mentioned in passing that my face was less fat two years ago. My face fatness is a curse of my genes... along with fish-scale skin and fat legs. Both my sisters and all my female cousins have it, though its from the dad side of the family, its the girls who get cursed by it... or possibly its only the girls who group together and talk about it because only they notice it?
My really uncharacteristic reaction was to burst into tears. Over my face. That does not happen. Ever. If anyone else tell me that... heck if Herb told me that 6 months ago... I'd have told them its none of their business, my weight and my looks are fine the way they are.
But last night, I burst into tears over comments on my weight. Twice. Sigh... I'm not sure where it came from, though I have an idea. I think it's linked to me becoming more submissive. I think about physical pleasures now more than I used to, mine and my Masters, and that may somehow link to being more self conscious about physical appearances.
It's not healthy, and its strange getting into a funk over my weight. I've never had issues before, and part of me can't believe I'm having issues now! This is the worst time to feel bad about myself, and I want to get out of this funk. Aside from picking up some excercise.... is there another way to climb out?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Weight
Posted by jelly at 07:46
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6 comments:
Self esteem issues are tough. They are insidious, burrowing deep into your psyche and taking root there.
I, myself, had a bit of an inferiority complex for most of my life. And by "a bit" I mean massively HUGE! Things didn't start to get better until I was 25 and got married. After that I was pretty solid and saw myself as an impressive guy. Not overly so, just enough that my inferior self was pushed down into the basement of my mind.
A couple-a 10 years later it came back strong. I became physically disabled and my wife took our son (and everything else she wanted) and left me. Nothing like that to make you feel as significant as a gnat.
Now, some 7 or 8 years later, I'm getting back to feeling fairly secure about myself. The key for me as been to recognize and accept my flaws. This helps me to understand them better. Which, in turn, gives them less power over my life. Understanding and acceptance can make a difference in your self worth.
Now, I do have onen advantage that you don't. I'm a guy. Guy's are not usually affected by the same things girls are. If you told a guy that his face looked fatter he'd probably shrug it off as a nonsensical statement. Or at most be slightly perturbed.
Girls also have the whole cultural/societal "you must look exactly like this" messages pounding on them constantly their whole lives. There's far more pressure on women to look and act a specific way in order to be seen as highly valuable persons. Which also connotes women as being possessions.
If you have made it all the way here, wading through my ramblings and pontifications, my suggestions for climbing out are all internal to your psyche. I can see how it could be very confusing to be, on one hand, a strong and powerful woman yet on the other a submissive, which by definition means you are in a position of being less than your Master.
It's something you both should work on together.
Joe
P.S. I have to also admit that all the medication I'm one keeps me mellow enough that almost nothing bothers me anymore. If nothing can bother you then nothing can make you feel inferior.
Hi Joe
Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate what you're sharing! =)
I so understand the insecurities with your weight. I'm struggling to lose many pounds myself. I want to look thin for my wedding, even tho Sylvanus thinks I'm perfect just the way I am.
You know, it's odd. I have noticed a dramatic increase in my emotions. I don't know what it is. Turning 30? Being submissive? Finally being in a loving relationship? I have no idea why I can start crying at a simple touching moment. I was never like this before. Little things set me off. And it's not disappointment, it's heart warming things that just have me raining tears.
I cry easily too. I cry when I miss Herb, when I'm upset at uni, when I'm upset at anything really...
But I've NEVER cried over my looks/weight, until last week. It really puzzled me. I think its me letting my girly side out. My girly side never got to come out before, and now I'm letting more of it out, things I didn't expect to come out came out too.
I think I'll take up running again.... The days are longer now.. and there's a nice park behind my flats that I've never really explored.
I used to be a swimmer, but I haven't got any goggles here, and swimming cause £4 a go... Running is free!
Jelly: Running is always good. It's always good to exercise.
But since you didn't have these problems of crying before, I think you need some communication with your Master. Tell him you want to be submissive but that he needs to accept you as you are. You're obviously intelligent from your schooling and he was attracted enough to you to start a relationship.
Tell him you'll try to run and get in better shape but if he keeps making an issue of your weight, it's going to hurt your relationship.
Being submissive doesn't mean that you have hurt your self-esteem. Tell him you want to be submissive, you want to be spanked, you want to obey but a good Master should know his sub well enough to understand her issues. And if He stops making an issue out of it, you may be more motivated to exercise more to please him.
Anyway, good luck in dealing with this issue. In our society, unfortunately, there's too much of an issue with women being too thin. Real women should have curves. I hope you and Master can work this out to deepen your relationship.
Florida Dom!!!
I was hoping you'll find this blog one day!! Welcome!!
Herb does accept me for who I am. When he made those comments, it was with no intention of hurting me at all. We were just flipping through old photos and he just made a flippant comment, that I normally wouldn't bat an eyelid at.
I wrote about it because I did bat an eyelid, or rather... I burst into tears twice. Which I found strange.
I'm currently having some issues with self confidence - more from this stupid course than from anything else really... and letting some of the frustration out on Herb because I haven't got anywhere else to let it out on.
The once every 2 months thing doesn't really help either.. its just been really difficult on a bf-gf level, nevermind D/s.
Thanks for visiting, and thanks for all your advice!
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