Internal Resistance

There's something in me that resists Herb's dominance. Something that tests him and resist him half the time he dominates me. I think its akin to what a two year does when she meets a new babysitter... The tantrums and the demands and the testiness...

I feel guilty about it, after its happen. I know Herb is inexperienced, and has never done this before. I really want him to do it, so I don't know why I do it, but I do do it and I feel guilty about it afterwards. I keep thinking of ways he can do better... things i want him to do, but he hasn't figured out yet. I never know whether I should tell him or not... I don't want to 'top from the bottom'. Yet I've got all these ideas in my head, all this wants.... Sometimes, what I want slips out naturally... and it all works out fine... but other times, I have all these things in my head, and I'm afraid to let it out, and then I feel slightly guilty and resentful... and often everything just end up topsy turvy and I don't enjoy it, and he doesn't enjoy it because I'm not enjoying it and it doesn't work at all...

Sometimes, it works, and when it does, it works very well... But I don't know what's the best way to go around this problem. How do I let him know what I enjoy and what I want him to do without 'topping from the bottom'? All I really want is to please him, and I want him to use me... But he's not that confident about 'using' me yet... There so much more for us to learn I guess....