Insecurities

Do I smell? He says "Jelly smelly" or "smelly Jelly" 20 times a day.

Does he not like my hair anymore? He used to tell me he likes it long and free, but now he keeps telling me to cut them off....

You're eating too many bourbons.. You shouldn't be skipping breakfast.. No crisps for jelly.. No chocolate for jelly.. Rice... ewww.. Awwww poor jelly no snacks... Jelly should make salad... Jelly should buy nice tomatoes.. Sugar ruins tea.... coffee, yucks... Oreos, yucks.. any sort of biscuits, yucks.... why do you eat them? they're not good for you.

Jelly should go running... jelly should get good running shoes... jelly should time her runs.. what did jelly just say.. she can do 20 press ups?? i don't believe you. what... you can do 200 crunches?? I don't believe you either. i'll make you do them when i'm here... no... i don't believe you when you say you can do them... no, i don't believe you've ever been fit in your life no matter how much you say you trained when you were 15...

Herb will say most of the above was said in humour, and it was (except for the bit about fitness, he really thinks I was a couch potato my whole life). He'll say I'm being oversensitive, and I am. He says he'll tell me when he thinks i'm REALLY doing something bad, or getting REALLY over overweight. In my mind, I believe his humour, and I believe that he doesn't really think I should stop eating all the things I enjoy... now... and I know he'll say something when i'm overdoing something. But with all the little teases and snipes that are already going on now... when I weigh under 49kg (i'm 156cm tall... do the math..) then how can I be sure it won't get worse, it won't hurt more, he won't leave me after 2 kids and i weigh 60kg?

There's a part of me now, who thinks he's not attracted to me anymore, that he doesn't care if he hurts me. That he finds it easier to hide in humour, to tease what I do, than to show that he loves me and he cares for me. His Wii and Xbox are more attractive than me. He'd rather play little king story than cyber, he'd rather play mario than talk. He'd rather read game reviews than read my blog.

I know its not entirely his fault. I cry so much that he feels he can't do anything, so he does other things instead of comfort me. I want to get out of this habit... but its hard, and whenever I feel like I've made some progress and are looking at things in a more optimistic light, something happens and I'm hiding in bed crying for 2 hours again.

I need reassurance, and no amount of msn/skype/phone reassurance is going to do. I miss him so much. There's something wrong with me. Why do I doubt him so much? Is it that I doubt him? or is it that i doubt my own ability to keep him? Why am I pushing away the person I love most??