Confusion

i try to be good,
but its never enough,
coz 'good' has not been defined
which makes it a little tough.

i try to be good,
and not be demanding
i still hope for attention.
and some understanding.

i try to be obedient,
but its so very hard
is that an order or is it not?
i have to be on guard

i try to be submissive
without overdoing it
but i'm having a lot of trouble
making everything fit.

A long distance relationship is hard enough to handle on its own. A long distance relationship with a lover, who is sometimes dominant, yet most of the time not, is quite a bit harder. Orders and suggestions gets intermingled with no clear definition of either. Praise is handed out and reprimands too. I find myself confused, confused enough to want to hide in a shell and not come out. 1.5 weeks ago he told me I seem to have brought more D/s into everyday life than he agreed to. I suggested we forget D/s altogether, he declined. He enjoys it and wants it to continue.

He says he enjoys it because I do. I am too selfish to understand that statement. I cannot comprehend whether that means he really enjoys being dominant, or only enjoys making me very wet and cum very hard, regardless of how. He tells me not to think too much into all this, so I don't...... but deep inside it does bother me.

I know its all a learning process, and we still have a lot of learning and growing to do. This cycle keeps repeating itself. When we're together, everything is fine and good, we talk over things and the future looks bright. Then a week or two into our time apart, communication slows and things gets confusing. I don't know why that happens. Part of it is time, there are more distractions, our attention is never 100% on each other. We do other things while chatting and communication slows. I want to be desired, but I hardly feel that when we're apart.

Communication is the key to solving all this, but I find that harder and harder. I just want to hide in a hole. I don't want to ask for anything cause it just comes across looking demanding. He's taken to saying "its never enough is it, there's always something else" whenever I call him up crying. And another one is "you're so disobedient". Which is just confusing, because he wanted less D/s, but brings it up whenever I do something silly like drag my feet to shower or to bed.

He is learning and he is growing, and while I do want him to explore dominance, and give him the space and the sub to experiment on, it makes me all very confused inside. When is a suggestion a suggestion, and when is it an order? When is he just a boyfriend, and when is he my Master? When is a reprimand a reprimand, and when it is just a lover being silly? Praise is good... but when its given out too much, often for me following a suggestion that I wasn't aware was an order, it confuses me. Too much praise belittles it, especially for non-orders. A 'good girl' followed 5 minutes later by a 'you're so disobedient' throws me in a spiral and I have no idea whether to feel proud or to feel guilty.