Tossing

I couldn't sleep last night. I was tossing and turning. It's been happening everything since I came back here after Christmas, but last night was one of the 'longest' I stayed awake. Initially, the tossing was because of the temperature difference. Herb uses a 4 tog duvet, with the heating in his room turn to the lowest. I'm normally very cold there, and stay warm in bed by snuggling. Here, I have a 13 tog duvet, which my sister gave me in first year. I love the duvet normally, but the first couple of nights I was back.... it was torture, I was sweating under the duvet!!

Last night, I seem to have acclimatize. I was feeling very cold in bed, and the duvet wasn't helping enough. I ended up turning my electric blanket on at about 3 in the morning. I tossed around in bed for ages, thinking about exams, about the decision to continue doing this course, about everything that I wish I could change but cant.

It's no secret I don't like this course I'm doing now. I feel deceived into doing it, which is partly my fault for being over enthusiastic, and partly the university's fault for not being clear when I inquired about it. I had one 'crisis' two months ago, about quitting the course, when they talked me into staying, telling me if I couldn't finish in a year, I could do it in two. I had another 'crisis' 3 days ago, when again, I was convinced I cannot do this. It will drive me nuts. There are other issues involved obviously. Immigration being the biggest one. If I quit now, it means I'll have to go home, which will mean another period of ldr with Herb. We've done that for a year, and we survived, but it really isn't fair to put him through it again, and I feel like if I did it again, I'd be putting the relationship on the line. And that's the biggest motivation for staying on.

I'm studying for all the wrong reasons, with all the wrong motivations, and it makes it very difficult, and I'm prone to breaking down every couple of weeks and wishing I could quit. There are issues with quitting, and I think I'm having issues that I cannot solve myself. I've self-refered myself to the university's counselling service, and I'm hoping they can help me make my mind up.

So back to last night.... I tried to calm myself down and fall asleep by pulling on snuggling memories. My favourite one with Herb spooning me from behind, one arm around me possesively. That memory normally allows me to drift off to sleep very fast but my mind kept drifting, and I kept thinking of spanking and being spanked. How much I wanted to know how it felt. Wondering if I would enjoy a proper spanking session. Wondering if Master would enjoy a spanking session. I know his favourite part of my body is my buttocks.... and I hope he enjoys making them red. It's very lovely to be with him at his mom's for christmas, but very frustrating when I wanted more sex... Sex, vanila sex, was okay to have. But anything loud was out. My place isn't that conducive to loud sex either. University accommodation are like sardine cans... It's a little better than his mum's place, but not by all too much.

So I went to bed last night thinking of spanking.. Guess what.. I woke up dreaming of masturbating :S. I didn't feel horny at all when I woke up, even though I was dreaming of masturbation. Very strange. Horniness also has to do with the mind I suppose, and I didn't want to wake up horny first thing in the morning. Because I would have to text Master if I was, and he's at work, so he probably won't reply till lunch time, by which time I won't be horny anymore, and wouldn't want to masturbate... Sigh... this is all very contradictory I know... and confusing. The whole point of this long rambling blog post was to note down that I went to bed thinking of spanking, and woke up dreaming of masturbation, yet wasn't aroused. How silly is that?!!