The past week was very very nice. =) Herb came to visit me last last Sunday, and he stayed till last Sunday. The first day was the most enjoyable of all, with me being tired, but not too worried about work. We had sex 4 times in 8 hours. It was niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!!
I feel rather confused though. Herb's getting more dominant on the bed, he expects me to call him Master everytime we have sex now. He makes most of the key decisions, and I do feel used and mistreated and I enjoy that. But I don't feel satisfied. He likes making me cum until my pussy hurts and I beg him to stop, and then he'll tease me again until I'm on the edge and make me beg to cum so he can call me his slut, still needing to cum even though my pussy's sore. 8 days of that has left my pussy very very sore indeed. Its nice, on its own and not too often.. but that has become the mainstay of our sex life and I don't enjoy it that much...
Oure foreplay time has also been truncated, and I really miss the 'old' sex... I miss the tentative touches, the gentle foreplay and the slow teasing. The build up to sex has gone missing somewhere. Physically, I don't need the foreplay as much.. but I miss it. I crave more dominance than Master's giving too. I want to be ordered around.. not just into different positions, or to lick his cock... but ordered NOT to cum... I've hinted and hinted. I've asked him in a dozen different wordings "can I be allowed to cum please" and all he says is "off course jelly, you're always allowed to cum". I want to be spanked, teased, denied, abused, rationed... but I also want the cuddles and the touching and the foreplay. Can one have both ends of the extreme? We're stuck in the middle, and I'm not happy without either end of the spectrum. I don't know what to do next. Go back to vanilla and forget D/s?
It doesn't help that I'm really busy and stressed with the uni work. I broke down crying during tutorials in the middle of the week, and I pretty much put uni work on hold while he was here. I've also been frustrated. Master doesn't appear to care much for my work. We had a fight on the phone last night (I think it's the first time ever that I've shouted at him) over this. Right now I'm needing regular encouragement and reminders from him to do my work..... but he thinks nothing he can do can help me because of the depth of the subject.
I need positivity and encouragement to get me through this.. and I'm not getting enough. I've just been very frustrated, with no outing for it I guess. I don't know what this degree holds for me in the future, I don't know if I can pass my exams in January. I don't know if I can switch courses to something easier, I don't know if my visa allows me to switch courses, and if it doesn't, I'm afraid of the amount of hassle I'll have to go through to switch courses. I'm afraid that if Herb can't support me emotionally through this degree, he won't be able to support me if I get a career in this field. I'm afraid that, in terms of emotional strength, we aren't good for each other because neither of us are as strong as the other needs us to be........
I know this post has turn into a bit of an 'i want this and i want that' post, along with a good dash of Master bashing :'(
What I really want now is a warm fire, some chicken soup, and limitless cuddles with no mention of sex.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Week
Posted by jelly at 19:56
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4 comments:
i think your concerns are very valid. It can be difficult to do anything difficult when your loved one does not show you the support you require. It doesn't matter if they know nothing of what you do, it's merely being there that matters. If he can't respect and support what you do, then he is not a very good Master nor a good man. I don't think you should consider changing what you do just because he doesn't like it.
I understand what you are saying about wanting both sides of the spectrum. Sylvanus is wonderful about being supportive and loving... but sometimes I wish he were a little more cruel and well... Dominant. :)
xoxoxo mina
After all I went through that night... he's turned around, and now he's almost intrusive into my work! He thinks its all me, my mood swings and etc that made me think he wasn't supportive, and now me thinking he's getting intrusive..
That's part of the story I guess, but I think he's finally understood how difficult I'm finding my work, and how close to dropping out I really am. He's been support to the point of being intrusive now! Which I appreciate more. I need to know he's there and he cares, he's a very big reason for me to finish this course, and if he isn't there and caring, then there's less reason to persevere with it..
Its hard to work on D/s when we're not living together, or even close to each other. A lot harder when we were 8000 miles apart. But even now when we're only a few hours by train apart, its still hard. It's a long journey...
If you are interested in switching courses: ask. Don't wait. Find out everything you can. Knowing if it will effect your visa status and so on will help you decide if now is the time to make that sort of change. (I wasted far too many years in academia, listened to and then took bad advice etc Wish I'd listened to my heart sooner). In the meantime, breathe deep, eat well, get enough rest -- and don't let your work pile up. Battling through my degree gave me white hairs -- do you want white hairs? <-- meant to be funny :-)
Mainly? Take care of yourself, Jelly. Everything else comes easier then. (or, at least, hopefully. Life has a way of tripping us up).
My only advice on the whole relationship thing is Communication. Talk, talk, talk. Not always easy, of course.
{{big hugs}}
Thanks Elspeth. I don't think I want to change courses. I don't want to drop out either. All those thoughts are just me being lazy, and thinking of taking the easy way out. I've chosen this, and I know I want to do it. I just have to stick with it, and hope it gets easier soon.
*hugs* Thanks for your advice!
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